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Ernest Scared Stupid (1991)
Ahhhhh! Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhhh! Ahhhh! Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhhhh! Ahhhhhh! Grab him! Grab him, Judas! Take him! We got the monster that wants to hack up our children. Get the chains on him. I got him. The ancient evil has followed us here to this new world. He has stolen our children and tried to resurrect his wicked race. But we, in our righteousness, have prevailed. My babies... he took my babies! And here he shall be buried, and this oak tree will seal his fate. Its roots will be his prison, which must never be disturbed. Hear me, Phineas Worrell. When the face of death covers the moon, one with your blood in his veins will release me, and victory will at last be mine! There, there, Francis. We'll get them back. You'll see. I banish you to eternal darkness. "So in the hours just before midnight, "the people of Briarville buried Trantor the Troll "in the cold, damp ground. The end. " Thank you, Elizabeth. Class, what did you think of her report? That's bull! It's not bull! I read it in a book. Yeah, it was a cool report. It probably just went over your head. The reports were supposed to be on the history of the town, not "Nightmare on Troll Street. " Now, settle down, class. Lay off her, Murdock. What are you gonna do about it, runt? Elizabeth scared Kenny with a spooky story. The dork likes her. Although Elizabeth's report was a bit unusual, legends and myths are a real part of history, especially here in Briarville, with our unique past. I think it was a clever idea. Ernest! Ernest! Stop the truck! So, uh, Elizabeth, what was the curse the troll put on Phineas? Well, legend has it that from that moment on, Phineas' descendants would get dumber and dumber... and dumber. Yeah, when they hired me as sanitary engineer, they had no idea that I was actually Ernest P. Worrell, man of destiny, ruler of refuse, a man who has taken dominion over his environment... ...a brilliant innovator in the fertile field of recycling. The czar of jars, the baron of bottles, the duke of dust... Oh, no! Uh, the switch is on the fritz! Uh, Rimshot! Rimshot! A little help here, Rimshot! Rimshot! Rimshot, the clutch! Rimshot, the clutch! The clutch! The clutch, Rimshot! Help! Rimshot, the clutch! Rimshot! Whoa! Wa-aaaah! Ahh. That was close. Oh... I'm gonna be squooshed! Rimshot, help! Do something! Rimshot! Aah! Aah! No, no! Don't stick my head in those gears! But i-it's me or you! But I have a family at the doll factory! I'll send them a nice card. You'll never get away with this, Ernest! I know where you live! Ah heh heh heh heh heh. Wa-ahhhh! Those Murdocks are major jerks. If their IQ's were any lower, they'd be plants. Rimshot! Something's wrong! Help! Let me out of here! Ernest! This should open it. Way to go! You did it! Well, no need to thank me, little lady. Just some routine hero work. Aahhh! Sheriff... I've just come from the Hackmore place. It's an absolute mess. It violates every code in the book. I want it cleaned up, and I want it cleaned up immediately. Yes. Well, mayor, I served the papers, and Ernest said he would get right on it. If he can't handle it, you fire him. Yes, sir. There goes that idiot now. Ha. And he's going away from the Hackmore place. That was close. Yeah, my dad said we can get in big trouble riding in here. Well, it is against city regulations and all, but as driver of a garbage truck, I feel like captain of my own ship, master of my own fate, able to make my own rules, a man above the law. Uh-oh. It's my dad! Uh, was I speeding? Sometimes the raw power of this vehicle just gets away from me... Ernest, I told you to get out to the Hackmore place... Shh! You two... get out of there and get in the car right now. Dad, I... No, I don't want to hear it. Get in the car. It wasn't their fault. I-I'm the captain, and... No, look, I told you to get out to the Hackmore place and clean it up, and you haven't done it. Well, uh, I don't have a toxic-waste permit. Uh, I just took a cold pill, and I'm not supposed to operate heavy machinery. Look, if you want to hang on to your job, you'll get out there and do it. See you, Ernest. Come on, boy. We've nothing to fear but fear itself, plus the known fact that Old Lady Hackmore will turn us into a couple of drooling, red-eyed zombies if she catches us here. Well, nobody home. I guess they're out robbin' graves or bitin' the heads off chickens or whatever's in voodoo vogue. Get off of my property! What are you doing here?! Ma'am, I'm just here to pick up all this garbage. Got no garbage here, only the expressions of the soul. Uh, ma'am, I'm an official representative of the Briarville city government, and, incidentally, a close personal friend of Mayor Murdock's. Aren't you that Worrell kid? Yes, ma'am. Oh... you will bring down the curse on us all! Woe to you, oh, ye seed of Worrell. Get out of here and don't come back! I wish you'd reconsider. Recycling is a... a very important part of good citizenship. Yeah. And you'll be a dead citizen. When the poisons of the evil courses through the portals and channels of your body, you will lie a quivering, toxic mass of screaming flesh! They will have to load you and the rest of this backward town on a meat wagon with a pitchfork! So in other words, it might be better if I came back another day. Aahhhhh! Ahhhhhhhh! Pretty scary scream, huh? My heart was in my throat. You have a rare gift. You haven't seen the grand finale yet. Come here. See, they'll come in here and go through that door and up this way, where Joey hits 'em in the face with a mop. A wet mop. Then they'll have to crawl through all these peeled grapes while I'm screaming, "Where are my eyes? Don't step on my eyeballs!" Gross! But I love it. It's the Murdocks! Look out, witch! It's an earthquake! It's a big one... 5.3 on the Richter scale! Quick! Let's run out the back! It's caving in! It's caving in! Get out! You're gonna die! We're caving in! Let's run for it! Go! Go! You buttheads made a big mistake! Hey, where do you think you're going? The fun's just beginning! I don't know what to do. They wrecked our haunted house. They... they wrecked your haunted house? Yeah. You know, what you need is some of that hysterical perspective, know what I mean? Not... really. You need to learn a self-defense lesson from... tiny Botswana, that... plucky little nation that defeated the... giant Ottoman Empire. Ernest, what does that have to do with me? I'm glad you asked. It was a dark night in lower Botswana. Giant bula bula flies droned in the still air. Then it came... the screeching war cry of the Ottoman hordes. Wa-aah! We're the Ottomans, and you're not! You're in a world of it now, pal! Oh, my. I'm afraid. Sure, I'm scared. E-everybody in Botswana's scared. It looks like curtains. This place is just screaming for drapes. Don't worry about the Ottomans. They're just wussies. They're all talk. I knew an Ottoman eagle scout. He got a merit badge in wholesale slaughter. Aah! Come on, Ottomans! Take a piece of me! What we need... is the high ground. The high ground is no good without trees. Friends, Romans, Botswanians, lend me your tree. There ain't no trees in Botswana. Unh-unh. I know. I am a Botswanian lumberjack, and I ain't never had a job. We need dress shields. You need the high ground to keep away from us 'cause... 'Cause we're the Ottomans! Aah! Ernest, I know! I know! What we need is... a treehouse! I thought we needed dress shields. Ernest! Direct hit. Way to go, Ernest. Do you smell fish? The first step in treehouse construction, which I'll refer to as "step one," is tree selection. With the right tree, we can build an impregnant fortress armed with nuclear rays, disintegrator beams, and all the latest electronic technology to afford us a safe haven against advancing hordes as well as offering truly elegant country living in rustic surroundings. Nah. Too much bass. This one's nice. Ah heh. Too many termites. Ah heh. This looks like a good one. Inhabited. Oh, jeez. What's the big idea? A tree is a tree. We've got to find one big enough to keep the Ottomans out. The Ottomans? Don't ask. Oo-o-o-o-o-o-h! This is neat! Go on! It's okay. Go on! Go on! I don't like this. Well, I didn't see any poison ivy. The worst thing that could happen would be Dutch elm blight, and none of us are Dutch. Remember, if any of us get separated, there's an old pioneer way of finding north... the bark always grows on the outside of a tree. Is he serious? I'm afraid so. This is it! The foundation of the high ground... tree of the stars! This is a tree to die for. Come on, kids. This'll be fun. I've been collecting this stuff for years. Well, I guess we got to give it a try. No guts, no glory. Yes, just as the journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step, a treehouse begins with a single nail. Observe. Here he shall be buried, and this oak tree will seal his fate. Its roots will be his prison, which must never be disturbed. Return this evil from whence it came. Ahhhhh! One treehouse... under construction. Crank 'er up. All right. This is really working. This is great! All right, Joey. Over here. - Another wall coming up. - Good work. One more side to go. This is really looking great. The spirits are loose again. Who would dare enter here? - All right! We did it! - Yeah! This is really neat. This is your high ground. I felt it! I felt it! Heaven help us! The signs showed me... the sun, the moon, the stars... oh, horror will once more walk among us. The nightmare will begin again. Well, it's not the greatest treehouse in the world, but I wouldn't call it a nightmare, either. Worrell! What have you done?! What have you done to the tree? A whole world of trees, and you had to pick this one! Well, we didn't know this was your land, or we would've asked if it was okay. It will open the ancient door and all that lurks inside! Flee this evil place! Flee! Old Lady Hackmore! Wow! I thought she never went out of her house. Probably some simple misunderstanding. Maybe I should go and have a talk with her. They will return... Well, wait a minute. Wait a minute. We're not really on your place, more like above it. - Couldn't we talk air rights? - Get away. Get away. - That was spooky. - Yeah. Come on. I think they went this way. Yeah. They got to be around here somewhere. It's the Murdocks! All right. Battle stations. Let's see how this baby works under actual field conditions! Let's go! Time to get even. Tearing up this place will be major fun. Yeah. I wonder where the wimps are. - Get down! - Watch this! I've got 'em in my sights... lock and load... and... fire. Aah! Load me up. Ammunition coming in... pepperoni and cheese. More ammo, Rimshot. Good boy! Let's go! Fire. Fire three! Got him! Bingo! Chicken liver comin' up. Now! Way to go, Joey! Ugh! That's delivery, boys! Aah! Aah! Direct hit! Ew! A pizza mess! Binder, this isn't the end of this! Yeah. They're on the run! And no collateral damage, either. All right! That was great! Halt! Who goes there? Uh, don't shoot. Don't shoot. I'm on your side. Sorry, Ernest. I guess we're still a little bit jumpy. Guess what happened. The Murdocks came by. But they never had a chance. Yeah, and the Botswanians kicked butt. Told you. Hey, Ernest, what was Mrs. Hackmore going on about? Oh, she still believes in trolls and magic spells and things like that. Trolls? Like hide under bridges and eat little girls? Cut it out, dork. It's like the legend of Trantor. Elizabeth, get a life. Just because you write a report about it doesn't mean it comes true. She told me about this troll that had red, glowing eyes and walks like this. And if he ever gets loose, he'll go after the children first. And he turns them into little wooden dolls, which gives him his power. And that ugly little rascal is still alive... down there. But... He can only be awakened on the night before Halloween... Like tonight. ...when a Worrell... Like you. ...places his hand on a tree... like this... and says, "Yea, I call thee forth, Trantor. " But what are the chances of that happening? Looks like some rain! Wouldn't be safe here! Uh, hey, wait a minute, fellas. Wait. Hold on. Hey, guys, wait for me! Hurry, Elizabeth! Hurry! Let's go! Hey, everybody, where are you going? Can't you see I'm up here all... Alone? Easy, Rimshot. Easy, boy. There's nothing to be afraid of. After all, we've got the... high ground. Yeah. Good suggestion, Rimshot. Why didn't I think of that? Why don't we go on home? How 'bout it? Aah! Boy, I sure hope you're from Keebler! You better back off! You don't want to fight me! I know tai chi, kung fu, Shao-lin. I saw Hulkamania three times, once in slow-mo! Back off! Oh, don't kill me! Don't kill me! I don't want to die! All right. Civilization. See you, guys. I'm already late, and my mom's gonna kill me. Yeah. Yeah, I'm out of here, too. Later, dudes. See y'all tomorrow. Aah! Somebody help me! Help... anyone! Help! Somebody! Ernest! Help! Kenny! Elizabeth! Where are you? Oh, no! Oh, help! Come on! Hey, I got ya. Thanks, Ernest. You saved me. I thought I was a goner. A-a-a-a-a-a-ah! Sheriff! Sheriff Binder! Sheriff! Sheriff Binder! Open up! Aah! Sheriff Binder, open up, please! Help! It was a monster! It was awful! The tree and the lightning and... and it had great, big teeth and things on its ears like this and its head was at least this big and about this long... Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Ernest, slow down. What happened? Ernest, do you know what time it is? Maybe Old Lady Hackmore was right... maybe it was a troll! Luckily, I was there to beat it within an inch of its face... Hold it. Old Lady Hackmore? Yeah, the kids and I built a treehouse out there, and she got real steamed... You took Kenny and the kids out there, trespassing on that old lady's land? Yeah, but what happened? Sheriff, I saw a troll! I really saw a troll! Dad, something really strange was happening in those woods tonight. Yeah, you got to believe me, sheriff! Yeah, look, Ernest, whoa. Listen, you just had a nightmare, okay? - So pinch yourself... - Ow! ...and go on home... No, I'm not dreaming. This isn't a nightmare. That really hurt. - We'll talk about it tomorrow. - This thing was huge! It had this great, big head... Good night, Ernest. It was probably just... well, it was more about... it was about this tall, and it looked like a giant, big Mr. Potato Head, only as big as a watermelon... Grow, my children, grow. Oh, Miss Hackmore! Miss Hackmore! I'm sorry to bother you. You have bothered the whole planet. You're cursed, now you're rubbing it off on me. But it's about what you said. I... I let the troll out. Uh... That which has been promised is delivered. I-It was huge! It had a great, big head and little, tiny, beady eyes, and great, big noses! They were... it was horrible! You haven't seen horrible till you see what it does to the children. Heaven help us. Them that dies will be the lucky ones! Oh! I felt it! Heaven, help us. After all these years, that thing is loose again. Oh! Vampires, werewolves... Well... I can handle that. A few crucifixes, a little garlic... perhaps a silver bullet. Ahhh. Ghouls, zombies... Ahhh. It has been my lifelong wish that this book would never be opened, but, of course, you've changed all that. That's him! That's the guy! The prophecy fulfilled. "From the innocence of five, "an evil army shall arise. "When blossoms shower down like rain, "my dark kingdom will come again. "There is one who can stop me if he will dare, "with the heart of a child... and a mother's care. " Are there any more pictures? You've got to stop him before he gets the children. He's got to get five before midnight tomorrow night! Me? Stop that thing? You've got the wrong guy. You are the direct descendant of the Reverend Phineas Worrell! It's your legacy! Yeah, but I'm me, and... and he's he, and we're talking real danger here... "stand and deliver," "firing line," "moment of truth," "end of the line," eighth-level "Mario Brothers. " You are the only troll fighter we've got. You're the seventh son of the seventh son. You're the baby. You're the boy. You are the great redneck hope. The great redneck hope. " Hallelujah " Troll alert! This is not a drill! An actual troll has been sighted in the Briarville area! Please remain calm! Do not... I repeat... do not panic! Children should remain indoors until further notice... What's Ernest yelling about now? Something stupid about trolls. Make sure your shoes are on the right feet and all your furniture is pushed up against the wall! Work with me, people, work with me! We've got a situation here! Trolls! Get off the streets! Prepare for the worst! The trolls are coming! The trolls are coming! Hurry, Bobby, hurry. Come on, time is money. Time is money! We got a lot of merchandise to move, now. Are you ready? Roll 'em. Hello, friends, this is Tom Tulip with Tulip Brothers' One-Stop Salvage. This is my big brother, Bobby. A fella comes in here the other day, and he says to me, "Will Tulip Brothers give me a good deal on an outboard motor and some taxidermy supplies?" And I said, "Does a fat puppy hate fast cars?" And then he says to me, "Well, will you give me a good deal "on some surplus government canned goods and assorted socket wrenches?" And I said, "Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?" But, no, seriously, folks... Tom, you got to help me! There's a troll on the loose, a troll! Ernest, Ernest! Cut, Bobby, cut! Can't you see we are engaged in mass communication here? But I got serious problems... trolls! Oh, trolls! Bobby, our friend Ernest is seeing trolls. Trolls? Trolls. Oh, this is your lucky day, but, of course, you knew that when I was stationed in Germany with the 82nd airborne, I was in charge of the troll-destruction unit. Have I got a deal for you. Huh ah-huh huh huh. Sorry I'm late. Isn't Joey here yet? No, Joey never got home last night. What do you mean? You said Ernest came by our house last night yelling about trolls. Do you think maybe... Come on, there's no such thing as trolls. But Ernest saw something out at the tree, and he's never lied to us before. Yeah, but trolls? Come on, let's go check out the treehouse. Maybe Joey's there already. I don't know. You're not scared, are you? Four tin cans, Troll Away spray, $ 19.95 apiece, two Bolivian Army slingshots... Oh! - $9.95 each, Day-Glo troll waders, $ 119.50, oh, troll ninja nun-chucks, $9.95, slimeproof troll gloves, $49.95, chopped troll bait, $3 a pound... 50 pounds, 14 No Troll strips, only $9.95 each, and one trolling motor, $ 79.95, for a grand total of... $ 1,749.98... - Plus tax. - Plus tax. Does that include the giant album with every troll love song ever written? Do rattlesnakes kiss carefully? Joey? Joey? This place looks different. Joey? Joey? Something really weird's going on here. I told you. It's the legend. Look at that! That hole wasn't there yesterday! It looks just like... Joey. What if it is Joey? - What if it really is? Something's there! Run for it! You see before you the state-of-the-art troll fighter of tomorrow. This multidirectional, unitized, high-tech fighting machine is salt-free, tuna-safe, and comes complete with 15 megabytes of double-density, wafer-thin alloy, forming a virtual reality of modern troll extermination. Need I say more? Ernest is here! Come on! We can't go in there! That's Old Lady Hackmore's place! It's all right. He'll know what to do. Oh! Aaah! Anybody home? Anybody here? - Hi, guys! - Ernest! - We went to the treehouse! - And there were five holes! And in one of the holes, there was a little wooden dolly. And it looked just like Joey. Ernest! With every passing hour, the danger grows greater! Who are they?! A mother's care... what does it mean? Don't pay any attention to her. She's a Gemini. And besides, i-it's a full moon, ah heh, know what I mean? Ohh. The troll is getting stronger. He has one child already. By now, the tree is sprouting its cursed pods. Pods? Pods! And if they touch the ground, all is lost! He needs four more souls before he can release his army and start to capture the children all over the world. Just the kids? Listen to the last two lines of the troll's poem. "There's one who can stop us if he will dare, with the heart of a child and a mother's care. " So... we need a heart... a child's heart! You wouldn't really sacrifice someone, would you, Ernest? Yeah, that was pretty crazy. Well, human sacrifice would definitely be a last resort. Now, traps is where it's at. You see, Mr. Big, Bad, Short, and Ugly will probably come strolling through the woods saying something like, "Oh, I sure could use a rest, "maybe catch a movie on the cable. Think I'll check in to this troll motel. " And then we got him. And with this alarm system, the minute something steps in our trap, the beeper will go off. And endo trollo, comprendo? Aaaaaaah! Ahhhhhh! Come on, I'll walk you to your house. Hurry up, Kenny, we got work to do. I still don't see why I can't go with you guys. Just leave the troll fighting to us. I'll find my dad. He'll know what to do. What about the party? You stay here tonight. Another soul. Feed and grow strong, my little ones. Thanks for the ride home, Ernest. Okay, here's the plan... Troll Fighter One... that's me... will be roaming the streets of Briarville like a rabid dog... no offense... whilst Troll Fighter Two... that's you... Um, Ernest, how about I just get my dad and meet you at the tree? Yeah, your dad might get mad if we wrap this one up all by ourselves. What's the matter, Kenny? Did a troll make you wet your pants? You're such a wimp, Binder. Kenny, what is going on? Nothing. I'm okay. Where's dad? Where have you been? I-I was with Ernest setting troll traps. Kenny, you have no business being with Ernest. Mom, I got to find dad. It's really important. Kenny... Kenny, you come back here! Bye-bye! Happy Halloween! Be careful! Bye-bye! Take care! Honey, you hardly touched your dinner tonight. Now, this is just Halloween. It's supposed to be fun, playing dress-up and trick-or-treating. But, mom, that little doll looked just like Joey, and Ernest said... Honey, we have been through all this. There are no such things as trolls. Uh, mom... while you're in here, could you check under the bed? I thought I heard... Stop acting like you're 2 years old. There is nothing under the bed. Now, put on your costume and come on downstairs. We're all going over to the Halloween party together. But, mom... Elizabeth, don't be silly! There's nothing under the bed. There's nothing under the bed. There's nothing under the bed. Oh, Snuffies... it's just you. Aaaaaaah! You know, Rimshot, when it comes to catching trolls, sometimes the old ways are the good ways, know what I mean? You disguised as a yummy, little child, will be the bait, and this should put an end, once and for all, to the beast of Briarville. You know, Rimshot... you're a cute, little dog, but you are one ugly little kid. Okay, Rimshot, now, bring me the stick. The stick, boy. Bring me the stick! Please, Rimshot, I was just kidding about that ugly thing, honest. Rimshot! Ow! Wa-aaaaaaaaaah! Well, Rimshot, it's time to get our blood sugar back up into the combat range, you know what I mean? This is serious. I better use my C.B. voice. Blue Leader, this is Troll Fighter. Blue Leader, this is Troll Fighter. Come on back, how 'bout you? Roger, Troll Fighter. This is Blue Leader. Bobby, don't worry... safety first. Get to work. What's your 20, Troll Fighter? Come on over. We are en route to the big tree, where we will be AWAC at 2300 hours and some change. Well, this is it, the big night, the great confrontation between man... that's us... and the country-and-western troll you're so fond of. Trolls. Right, Ernest, right. Now, you stay alert. You see anything, you give us a holler. Over and out. Come on, let's go. Oh-oh-oh-ohhh! You know, Jimmy, a hungry lion hunts best, but an army travels on its stomach, know what I mean? You going to the big party over at the school, Ernest? Nope, someone has to stand vigil over the town, stay at his post, row the boat, be ever alert, floss between meals, remain steadfast and truncated, know what I mean? Gosh, Jimmy, what's got into you? Oh, oh, charades. I love charades. Let's see, something big. A-A big mouth? Let's see, big. Uh, big bill? big bird? Big bill? Big beak? Big, uh, uh, sounds like... uh, two, two, "T"... tea for two? "T"... two "T"? Tea for two? Two for tea? Desmond Tutu? Uh, two barrels? Ah ha. Boy, Jimmy, when you play charades, you really play for keeps, know what I mean? Oh! Ah ha. Hey, Greg, have you seen my dad? No. Where's your costume? We're supposed to be at school now. Kenny. Did you hear that? Yeah, it... it sounded like Elizabeth. Over here, Kenny. Elizabeth? Elizabeth, is that you? Elizabeth? She's not in... Over here, Kenny. You cannot escape. It's time to join your little friends. Faster, Kenny. I'm catching up. Hurry, Kenny. I'm right behind you. She wouldn't leave through the window! - Cliff, she didn't even want to go out! - Joey never came home. - Why aren't you doing something? - We are doing something, all right? My trash hasn't been picked up in two days, Cliff. I'm having houseguests! Cliff, Cliff! Hush! Hush! - Hush, hush, hush, hush, hush! - What?! - Cliff, have you seen Kenny? - No, he's supposed to be with you. No, he ran off to find you. All right, listen, he's probably already just gone to the school. - I don't know where he went. - Just go to the school and look for him. I have houseguests coming, Cliff! Listen! Listen! They're probably already over at the school. Hey, kid, get out of the street! And you in the costume, watch out! Yeah, Rimshot, we've got to stay focused tonight. We've got to keep our senses honed to a razor's edge, know what I mean? We are the thin line of defense that lies between victory and certain death, and I guess you know the one I'm hoping for. Troll alert! Troll alert, Rimshot! We got him! We got him! We got old hockerhead himself! We did it, Rimshot. We got him. Listen to him howl. Yeah, but it's too late for Mr. Big, Bad Troll. You picked the wrong guy to tangle with... Squid Lips. Dad, there really is a troll! I saw it with my own eyes! It was horrible! It used Elizabeth's voice! It turned Greg into a doll! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Listen, young man, you are in big trouble. You disobeyed your mother, and now she's worried sick about you. Cliff, it's my boys. They're gone, vanished. They were supposed to meet me hours ago, and nobody's seen them. Have no fear, Ernest P. Worrell is here. And, sheriff, I captured that troll that's been stealing all the children. Ernest, what do you mean you caught that troll? Yes, with the aid of the most advanced troll-fighting equipment known to modern technology... Shut up, Worrell! Cliff, you got to get out a search party for my boys. Dad, Ernest and I set troll traps! Listen to him! He's not lying! Yeah, I've got him right outside, sheriff. All right, listen, I don't know what's going on here, but let's take a look. Come on, let's see it, Ernest. Uh, Cliff... I want an all-points bulletin out on my boys now! You leave the police work to me, mayor. Ernest, open it up. You want me to squash him flat, sheriff? Just open the damn thing, Ernest! Slowly. Slowly. Oh! Oh! Some heads are gonna roll, ain't they, daddy? Blech! Boys. Boy, you've done it this time. Ernest, I don't believe it! Of all your screw-ups! But, mayor, there really is a troll. I saw it. Ernest is the only one trying to do something. Kenny, that's enough from you. That does it, Worrell. You're fired! Uh, but, uh, I... the beeper! You park the truck, you turn in the keys, and you get outta here! Let's go, boys. Ernest, you've been acting like a child about this troll thing. It's time to grow up. But I saw them. They were... Kenny, come on. Kenny... Tell him. Kenny, get in the car! I guess I really blew it this time. We're finished in this town. So much for being a hero. Thanks, but it's no use. I'm a Worrell... cursed... bottom of the gene pool... no money down... nothing to live for. Yow! Rimshot! Thanks! I needed that! You're right. I've never been a quitter. Why... why, I've never known when to quit. Just ask my fourth-grade teacher. He never knew when to quit. Oh! Eliza, Michael, Allison, Joshua... Your time has come, my children. One more, and the cycle will be complete. Well, Rimshot, I-I guess there are no trolls here. Ha ha. Golly! Do you believe that? This reminds me of that moment from the movie "Brain Barnacles from Planet Tycor," you know, when the brain barnacles were getting set to latch themselves onto the brain of Queen Paternia? And then... Golly! They look just like Brussels sprouts. I hate Brussels sprouts, don't you? We better go tell Miss Hackmore. Gosh, Rimshot, pretty soon, kids won't have to worry about eating their Brussels sprouts 'cause the Brussels sprouts will be eating them! Aaaaah! Quick, Troll Away! I can't believe it! It worked! Oh, but not for long! He's on the roof! Uh-oh! We've got to do something! Aaah! Tom, Bobby! Tom, Bobby, help! Mayday, Mayday, Christmas Day, Columbus Day! Tom, Bobby, do something! He's on the roof! Tom! Come on in, Troll Trapper, this is Blue Leader. Come on back. Tom, Bobby! Tom, Bobby, help! Aaaaah! You're gonna pay for the sins of your forefathers! I didn't have four fathers, I just had one father, and I didn't know him that well! Ah ha ha. Too smart for you, huh? Aaaaaaah! Aaaaaaah! Aaah! Aaah! Aaah! Get away from me, snot locker! Whoa! Wa-aaah! Okay, stubby, how 'bout a little off the top? En garde! Uh-oh! Aaah! Aha! Little did you suspect that I am a master of hedge-clip-kito, the secret oriental fighting art of Japanese gardeners. Yuh! We did it, Rimshot! We got him! I am Troll Fighter Number One. Uh-oh. Rimshot! I don't believe it, Rimshot. He's pulling against... 200 horsepower. Put it in reverse. Oh, no! How 'bout a bumper sandwich, booger lips? Ah heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh. Bonsai! Bingo! You got him, Rimshot. Way to go! Where'd he go, Rimshot? Where'd he go? He couldn't have just disappeared. By now, he must be a greasy spot on the road. Where did he go? Where did he go? Wa-aaaaah! Aaaaah! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Watch out, Bobby! Oh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Ow. So I was mesmerizing him with my lightning moves... Ow! Ah! And I was about to lower that coup de grass... Ow! Ah! When old booger lips here... Ow! Called timeout... Ow! And sucker-punched me. Oh, look. Look at this. There's... there's two pages stuck together. "How th... looks like 'thou'... canst destroyeth a troll. " "Thou canst destroyeth the troll with... " Uh, M-I-something-K. We can destroy a troll... The pods have not yet dropped. Midk. Trantor still seeks another child. That's it! Authentic Bulgarian miak. They're at the school. We've got to go. Ow! Oh! Oh! Oh! Look, kid, go inside and find your mother and stay with her. And I don't want you to leave her side for any reason. - Do you understand me? - Yes, sir. All right. There you go. Tom... Tom, have you seen Elizabeth? Uh, no, I haven't. Elizabeth? Elizabeth? Kiwi fruit, kiwi fruit! Everybody loves it! Kiwi fruit! Kenny? Kenny. Tom and Bobby's own recipe. Stir-fried sushi. Good evening and welcome to the Briarville Halloween gala. Smile, smile. Mrs. Johnson, have you seen Kenny? No, I haven't, and we really can't wait any longer. Ernest's troll probably got him. ...the hottest band in Taylor County... The Fun Box. Come on, Rimshot. Of all the people in the world, why him? Look, you wanted to be in the costume competition, and this is the costume you picked out at the store. This thing looks silly. And I'm not gonna wear it. Don't you talk back to me. Now, you march right in there. I hate you! Well, I'm not too fond of you either! Mommy... I'm sorry. I love you. I love you, too. Unconditional love. That's the heart of a child. Trolls! Trolls! Save the kids! Trolls! Tro... Uh. It's my privilege to welcome you - to the costume competition... - Run for your lives! Trolls! Ernest! Will somebody get him out of here? Now! Run for your lives! Shh. Shh. Run for your lives! Shh. Shh. Now, as your mayor, it's my privilege to bring you the costume competition. And to start it off... our first contestant is Rachel Benson from Miss Johnson's fourth-grade class. Rachel... Eeeww, scary costume. I know a dork when I see one. Matt! Matt! Matt! Help! Help! Help! Help! Aaaahhh! Please, I've got to find Ernest. Please, I've got to find Ernest. It's the end of the line for you, shortchange. Aloha, sayonara, el rancho grande. You're history, pal. You're Elvis. So, come on, crater face, I'm ready for you. Let's see how you like a little miak. Miak? Yeah, miak. I bet you thought I couldn't find any this time of year. Well, I'm a little too resourceful for you, a little too light on my feet. So, come on, eat miak and die... Uuuhhhhhhh! Rimshot, come back! Ohhhh. Wa-aaahhhh! Ahhh! Uh! Uh! Huh? Huh. What happened? Oh, Ernest, are you all right? Yeah. Yeah. When that thing saw who it was fooling with, it was drop back and punt, regroup, troll trauma time. Yeah, this guy is bad to the bone. Ernest... Rimshot. Rimshot, old boy. What am I gonna do? He's all I got. Don't worry, Ernest. We'll find some way to beat this thing. I'll tell you how we beat this thing... I'll tell you how we do it... my great-great-grandaddy put him in that hole, and so can I. Somebody with a runny nose is gonna die. Yeah! Go get him! Mother's care... milk. That's it... milk. You're one dead troll, you pint-sized, sawed-off bucketmouth. That thing's got my son. We've got to kill it now! It's up to us! Wait, what are you talking about? Kill what? Go where? Ernest says it's at a tree at the Hackmore place. Yeah, dad, it's milk. Milk kills the troll. Let's go. We're wasting time. Hang on, mayor. What? It's the mother's care, the ice cream... milk! Let's go. Murdock... Kenny, listen, wait here, all right? Your mother's looking for you. We'll take care of this. Murdock! What's the matter, boy? There's no time to waste. My dad told me to stay here. Sometimes you got to do what you know is right, no matter what anybody tells you. What good's a wooden dog? Oh, sure, they swim better, but what am I gonna call him? Splinter? Hey, Binder... Sorry about Matt. How do we take this thing out? Follow me. - Yeah! Come on! - Yeah! Come on! One final soul to set my children free. Raaaaaarrr! Okay, booger lips, it's time for troll squish-kabob. Aaahhhh! You okay, Rimshot? Good. Another advantage of being a wooden dog. Where'd he go? Uh-oh. There's your big-time Brussels sprouts. We can't let these hit the ground, Rimshot. Got that? Got it. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Oh, no. Oh, no. This looks real bad. Ooohhh. Not another one. Heh heh heh heh. Time to put a lid on this. A little body pressure should do the trick. Wa-aahhhh! Hit the end of the aisle and split up! What are you kids doing?! It's an emergency! - Hey, you can't ride in here! - This is important! Get out of this store! Go for the ammo! Those costumes don't fool me! Move it! Let's go! Let's go! The milk! I'll get the milk! Let's go! Come on! Kenny Barton, when your father hears about this, he's gonna... Wait! Whoa! We're running out of time! Yeah! Ha ha ha! This is getting out of hand. Devour the human. And the crowd goes wild. This one's over the fence and out of the park. This looks like three more R.B.I.s. Uh! Diihh! Uh! Attack! Attack! Spread out. We'll find it. There's nothing to worry about, folks. I got it all under control. Uh! Hold it right there. Hold it. You... hey, stop. Wait a minute. Let go of me. Give me that. Let go of my shotgun. Yaaahhh! Don't you have any respect for authority? Come on, you! There's another one! Uh huh! Uh, your shoe's untied. Think of a number between 1 and 10. Was it 2? Ahhhhh! Ah-ahhhhh! Ahhhh! Oh, no. They're gonna blame this all on me. Oh ho ho ho ho ho. Bobby, pictures of these things in the National Enquirer will make us rich beyond our wildest dreams. Get the camera out. Go, go, go. Oh, gorgeous. Money, money, money, money, money, money. So you want to play rough, huh? Ahhhhhh! Ha ha ha. Oh, I can just see the headlines now. "Briarville businessman has close encounter with alien nation. " There's more. Let's go. Hoo hoo. Help me! Help! Get it off of me! Get it off of me! There's a troll on my back! Worrell selects a ball and steps to the line. It looks like a tricky 7-10 split. A hush falls over the crowd. There's a troll on me! Help! Here it comes. The famous Worrell twist... the release... Yes! It's good! The crowd goes wild! I'd like to thank you, each and every one, for this beautiful bowling trophy. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. He never knew when to quit. Oh. Kenny? Kenny! We can't stop now. Bring me the head of Ernest P. Worrell. Say, I'll bet you guys have trouble meeting girls. Don't know what to say, what to do, how to get things going. Heh heh heh. Well, here's the answer to your problems. It's the Pimco largemouth bass CD and home-entertainment center. A state-of-the-art sound system mounted on genuine veneer. But wait, there's more. Ahhhhh! I'm too young to die. Don't kill me. Don't kill me. Ohhhhhhh. Don't kill me, please. I hope I'm not too late. Ohh! Give me back that gun! No! Put that down! That's loaded! Hey! Oh, no, not the bullets. Too fast for you? Too smart for you, too. - Ow! - Ow! Gotcha. Ah heh heh heh heh. Here we go again. No, no, no. Here, here, get the milk. Come on. Let's go. Dad. No. You sure this milk thing is gonna work? We're gonna find out. Whoa. No. Kenny! Kenny, no! No! Kenny, no! Milk works, dad. It really works. Yes! Get the key. Get the key. Here. I gotta go. Kenny! Go get 'em, Kenny! Come on, guys. Let's go get 'em. Ahhhhh! Ahhh! I've only got a couple of things left. Ernest! Hold on! I'm coming up! Stop it. This is just the kind of Halloween prank that gets people hurt. Ow! Hey, butt breath! Huh? How'd you do that? It's the milk. It eradicates them. Yeah, it gets rid of 'em, too. Sayonara, snot wad. E-e-e-e-e-w. Evil demons... make me strong. Ahh! Your time has come. Tonight the spell will be broken. At last our prayers have been answered. Soon, my little ones, soon. Aaahhh! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! Hey! Let me go! What are they up to? Don't worry, kid. We got the high ground. Did you hear something? Boy, I sure did. We came, we saw, we took the high ground. Even though some of us are very tired. Trolls, is it? Oh, great, I have to defend the fort with a multiple personality. Ew, look, they're using those hook things. Where's my machine gun? Where's my little machine gun? We were looking for a good scrap when we found this one. Now, chin up, every man jack of you. A little nasal hygiene would go a long way, young man. Here you go. I hope you're grateful. Little trolls in China don't even get milk. Ahhhh! Hair spray will fix anything. This is big money. Posters, troll action figures, trading cards. Hey! You, come back here! Bobby, do something! He's eating the film! Bobby, do something! No! Oh. Bobby... This was our ticket to the big time. We're finished. Only a few more to go. Load it up. You sure this will stop them trolls? They look awful goddang fierce to me. Anybody can whip a troll. Ace, the wall. Eat lactose, slimeball. Hold on, dad! Son, stay back! Stay back, son! You fellas like, uh, a little bit of this milk punch? That milk must have gone bad. I'm sorry, men, but the dropper is the only way. Oh, no, not the dropper. The doomsday dropper. Oh, no, not that. Is there no mercy? I like it. A woman's work is never done. I guess I'll have to finish this myself. Come, demons. Work your worst. Make me now invincible. A whole troll army wiped out, and they leave the last two for me. Victory is ours. All right! We'll never be hungry again. Talk about relief, oh. No muss, no fuss, the trolls are dust, know what I mean? Yeah. We did it. We won. You know, I knew when the chips were down, I could count on you, pilgrim. Thanks, Ernest. You did pretty good yourself. You're a great bunch of guys. All right, Kenny! Way to go, Kenny! All right! You don't understand. It's not over yet. It's not over yet. You don't understand. It's not over yet. Uh-oh. Kenny, behind you! We've got to do something! Kenny! Oh, my God! Kenny! Kenny, get out of there! Kenny, jump! Kenny, I told you, it's the legend. Ernest! I've grown too strong for that. Not even milk can stop me now. Errrneeeeest! Kenny! Kenny! No! Kenny... Kenny... Ah! You've had a nasty cold ever since we met. It's going around, you know. - You know what they always say... starve a fever, feed a cold. Or is it feed a fever, starve a cold? I always get that confused, like 30 days hath September. It's my club and you're a member, and, uh... Worrell, now you die. Come on, double ugly, you do pretty well against little kids and dogs. Let's see how you deal with a real man. Come on. Come on! Kill him! Come on! Kill him! Come on, snot wad. I got something for you. Come on! Come on! Ernest doesn't understand. It's not the milk. Unconditional love, the heart of a child. Unconditional love. Yeah! Kill him! Kill him! Heart of a child, unconditional love. Kill him! Come on, little fella. Oh, you're so cute. E-e-e-e-e-w. Great. You did it. You're a real hero. Yeah, you really did it. You're a legend. Yeah, he never had a chance. With my brains and speed, he never knew what hit him. Yeah, it almost wasn't fair. Here, he had some good moves, but when the chips were down... Huh? But, you know, when you're fighting those trolls, you gotta sock 'em one... - Kenny! - right in the kisser. Like my ancestor Phineas used to tell me, "Ernie baby, keep your weight down low. " Son, are you all right? That was really weird. Mom, I told you there was a troll. Mike, I'm glad to see you. Kenny, I thought we'd never see you again. Mom. Son, I did a lot of things wrong. I should've listened to you. I'm so proud of you. Thanks, dad. Stay low, stay sitting... You know, Ernest, in recognition of your magnificent achievement, consider that Troll Away spray a gift. Maybe we should open a laundry. Francis? Sister Francis? Is that you? My sister. My sister. Ohhh. I missed you so. Michael, Michael, I missed you. How'd you get so old? There is a lot to talk about, but now, everything is okay. What's the matter, Ernest? There's nothing in that tree for me. Rimshot. Rimshot! Rimshot! Boy, where have you been? Did you miss your daddy? You were gone and stuff. And you were a wooden guy. Now you're back, and you're not even gone anymore. You know where we're going? We're going for a ride in the truck, and we're gonna... gonna go home and... and we'll eat nothing but the best... Read more: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/movie_script.php?movie=ernest-scared-stupid Category:Episodes